Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Rose's Rules For Facebook Buy/Sell/Trade Animal Groups

Facebook buy/sell/trade groups can be a great way to locate sellers and buyers for stuff. Here's some rules to make the most of your free membership:

1. Always post "wanted" ads for the exact same thing in the previous "for sale" ad. It helps if you are in the same area as the previous seller. Advanced tip: Be sure to say in your "wanted" ad that you want the item for free.

Ad example: "For sale - Ten Muscovy ducks. $5 each. Located in Naven."
Your ad: "Wanted - Muscovy ducks in Naven. Must be cheap or free."

2. Reply to all ads with philosophical questions.

Ad example: "Wanted - Someone to butcher a cow"
Your reply: "Why would you want to butcher such a nice cow?"

3. Reply to all ads with criticism.

Ad example: "Horse for sale"
Your reply: "That horse is too skinny."

4. Post ads with way too much personal information.

Ad example: "Selling our pig because my husband lost his job and the landlord doesn't want us to have pigs anymore and the kids are too attached to the pig to eat it."

5. Post "for sale" ads with outrageous prices.

Ad example: "For sale - 25 year old horse, not trained, can't be ridden, needs special diet and extra hoof care monthly. $2500 firm!"

6. Be passive-aggressive.

Ad example: "For sale - 3 roosters, $10 each - Must go as pets only, don't contact me unless serious, fenced in yard only, must pick up. No delivery. Going to the first person who comes to get them. I will not hold them. Cash only."

7. Post guilt trip ads.

Ad example: "Nice dog needs a new home. Previous owner died and this nice little dog is all alone. She just wants a forever home!"

8. Post ads for stuff not related to the group.

Group: "Farm Animals in NNY"
Ad example: "1984 Chevy Impala for sale"

9. Use the group to solicit advice.

Post example: "My goat has a cough. What's wrong with it?"

10. Post links to political stuff vaguely related to animals.

With these tips, you should be the most valuable person in the group, or get you banned... whatevs.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

life is.... life

My kid is crying because I used the toilet first. Apparently she needs to be Queen of Her Domain in the bathroom in order to feel that all is right and good enough to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. She's stalling the inevitable bedtime. I love how stalling only occurs on nights when she's tired and really needs to go to bed early.

My job situation sorted itself out for the most part. I am back to Plan A. This is good. The universe calmed down with its cosmic signs. I never heard back from Plan W. I hate job searching because if you don't hear back from a company after you send a resume or application, there's no good way to tell if it is because you aren't qualified enough, or are overqualified, or they already hired someone else, or they didn't like your cover letter, or they never received your information in the first place. It's painful to speculate on why you are not hearing anything but it's impossible to not imagine all sorts of terrible things.

Considering that I just had a craving for speculoos cookie butter because I just typed the word "speculate", it must mean one thing --- I am back to not eating carbs again. Don't worry, I won't start posting my lame meal plans and boring dietary musings on a daily basis. Between job stress and the fallish weather, I have been pounding cookies with vengeance. I got lazy and stopped cooking. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with popcorn on the side have been a staple. Ugh...

Saturday, August 22, 2015

The Universe Is Mocking Me

My life has been "special" lately. By "special", I mean totally effed up. I will be losing my job in two months. My super awesome boss is moving his research program to another state. He asked, or actually begged, me to come with him and my other coworkers. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to force my family to move to a state where we have never even driven through for a job that can't guarantee 10 years of stability. And there's the tiny issue of my husband's super successful tree care business that he would have to abandon here and try to reestablish there. So yeah, I will not be going with the rest of the group.

That leaves me trying to find a job. In the area that I live, there's not a whole lot of options for the line of work that I do. Through the panic of thinking about this situation and trying to decide what to do, I begged the universe for a neon sign to show me what to do. I had Plan A, Plan B, Plan C and wanted a sign for which one to pursue. There's a lot of wacky coincidences that happen in strange ways, so I do believe in signs and fate.

Well, the other day I was cruising the interwebz trying to get my mind off my crappy situation by surfing around looking for jobs in random locations. Low and behold, I stumble upon a detailed help wanted ad with a job description that eerily mirrors my exact current job description. It was freaky the way this position was looking for someone with my exact qualifications and training. So I then checked out the location of this job and was floored to find it located about thirty minutes from my parent's house. Ack!

I have always hoped to move back to that area. My parents have a large farmstead with a gorgeous house, several nice barns, and two small apartments. They live near a big city but are located in a rural area. My mom has often said that as she and dad get older, they would love to move out of the big house and into one of the small apartments. And then one of the kids could live in the big house and take care of the farm (and them). It would be so nice to have the help of family nearby when I needed it. My other family members live in that area too. The only problem is that my husband would have to relocate his company and live with his in-laws. He likes my family a lot but that's a big commitment for someone to do.

This job description has to be the sign I asked for. But, of course, instead of pointing to Plan A, B, or C. It points to Plan W! This idea of moving home is not what I was expecting. The universe is definitely mocking me by giving me a bright sign to a complicated new idea.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

The Perfect Online Livestock For Sale Ad Template

Hi folks! Have you ever wondered how to write the best online for sale ad for your livestock? You want it to shine off the page so hoards of people will be emailing and PM'ing you to get in line to buy that critter now. Well, here's your chance to get it right -- Introducing::

Rose's Handy Dandy Livestock For Sale Ad Template

Ad title: Something catchy and descriptive, like "Horse for Sale"

Ad details: Be sure to mention the breed, temperament, medical history, training records, and any other useful information. Be sure to embellish here and there with minor half-truths and lots of exclamation points! (Not too many exclamation points, you don't want to sound desperate!!) For example:

"Halfinger X Quarter Horse X Arabian X Pinto purebred horse for sale. Uncut stallion, forty-two years old. Flashy mover! Super friendly, good boy! Needs advanced rider. Bad pasterns but not lame with proper shoes. Rescue horse, in good shape now! Stands, ties, good for farrier. UTD on shots."

Sob story: Always have a reason for why you have to ditch the beast.

"I hate to sell him, but I just don't have time to give him what he deserves. We are moving to Zimbabwe and landlord won't let us keep pets."

Pictures: The best pictures must be blurry, dark, and not even centered on the animal for sale.

Price: Be sure to value the animal properly, taking into consideration it's goods and bads. 

"$10,500 firm"

Declaration: You don't want to waste your time with cheapos and scammers

"Serious inquiries only. Don't waste my time if you are not ready for him. Don't bother emailing me if you don't want him. Good homes only! I will not respond to spam and fakers. Be sure to put "Haflinger X Quarter Horse X Arabian X Pinto in the subject line or else I will delete it as spam." 

Contact information: Make it clear when and how people should get hold of you.

"Call Mondays, Tuesdays, and Saturdays between 7am and 9am. Leave a message and I will get back to you. Posting for a friend so don't email. No calls after 5 pm!!!"

Location: Give plenty of detail. 

"Upstate NY"

With this template for success, that animal is already sold!

PS: If not sold in a timely fashion, it's totally fine to repost the ad over and over while threatening people. Lower the price to sweeten the pot.

"STILL AVAILABLE! Must be gone by tomorrow morning at 5 am or else!! Price reduced to $10,450!!!"

Monday, May 11, 2015

Well, that's different!

I have noticed my eating habits have changed in a major way since doing the Whole30 and staying paleo. I have even shocked myself lately. Today I bought mini cupcakes at the big grocery. Normally my kid would have one or two and I would eat the other ten on the forty-five minute drive home. Then I would shove the empty package in the car garbage so no one would see it. But today I had one as I got in the car and didn't have any more. It wasn't even a self imposed "I am only going to have one" thing where I agonized about the other nine that were just sitting there. I ate the one and then asked myself if I wanted more and I was like "meh.." so I didn't have more.

Even after dinner the cupcakes were still around and I would normally have snuck at least two right after eating... but again, I didn't. I had some fruit and then much later had a cupcake. Now it is late and everyone is asleep and I used to binge eat at night. But tonight I feel chill and not craving sugar.

I am feeling good about this stuff. I hope these changes continue.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


I read an article in the Washington Post today about diets and why it is so hard to keep up with them. One thing the person said that struck me was if you look at a donut 19 times and don't eat it, but then you do eat it on the 20th time, you lose the willpower game. You don't get any points for the 19 times you didn't eat the donut. What only matters is that you ate it in the end and now those calories are a part of you.

I play this game a lot where I will focus on a food and ignore it for a long time but then eat it in the end. I lose. When being strictly on the Whole30, I didn't have that problem once the carb cravings went away. I think it's because my focus on bad foods gets super magnified by sugar addiction. It's probably a little similar to alcoholism. I can't just have a little sugar or carbs or dairy. It triggers things to cascade until I am eating Lucky Charms out of a coffee mug at 8pm.

So I guess I can't just have a little sugar. It's like having a little crack or being a little pregnant.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Entertaining Without Food

One of the thing I would like to work on is learning to entertain myself without food. I have always tended to use food as a form of entertainment -- every trip ends with going out to eat, or every party is centered around meal. I am struggling with removing food as the focal point because if I know I shouldn't eat certain things, then I need to avoid bad food options by having non-food options. I need to think of things that are fun that do not fill my face.

This is becoming a major issue because my kid has caught on that fun = food. She likes making special trips to go out to eat and she wants snacks in the car whenever we go anywhere. She's not even a big foodie but she has learned that doing something fun with mommy should involve food.

I tried to think of non-food activities this weekend and came up with a very short list. I am saddened that my imagination is so limited. So I am going to try to retrain my brain.