Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Diary of a Diet: Part 4

7am Day 12: "Is it Day 11 or Day 12? All the days are running together. I am used to eating the different food. I can't remember the taste of bread or ice cream."
3pm Day 12: "I can totally remember the taste of ice cream!! I want it in my face right now!!"
10pm Day 12: "I am having cravings for foods I don't even like. I don't really like cheesecake but, boy, I would stab a kitten for a piece now. Even just plain, burnt cheesecake from Aunt Tilda."

7am Day 13: "I am rocking this! I am so comfortable with eating only the good foods, I could do this forever! I feel so much thinner and healthier."
3pm Day 13: "I wonder how much weight I have lost? I know I shouldn't look at the scale because this is about eating healthy and not a number on a scale. But it would be very encouraging for the next few days if I saw the real results. No! I won't break down. I won't step on the scale. Scales are evil!!"
10pm Day 13: "I stepped on the scale...Wah!!!! I only lost four ponds!!! Ack! All this frigging work for only four stupid pounds. I have taken poops bigger than that!!"

7am Day 14: "Ok. Four pounds is okay. It's four less than I was carrying. This is okay. I will keep working on this diet. I can't give up now."
3pm Day 14: "Ugh! I am so tired of this diet! I never want to eat another piece of kale again! I just don't want to work so hard anymore! I just want to buy a pizza and a bottle of soda, not slow-roast a brisket and then mash cauliflower and make a lemon walnut emulsion."
10pm Day 14: "This diet is awesome! I feel great! Yay!"

Monday, January 4, 2016

The Diary of a Diet: Part 3

7am Day 9: “TIGER BLOOD! Grrr! I have tiger blood! I jumped out of bed at 5am ready to take on the world. I have already done 30 minutes of yoga, made lunch for the whole family, prepped tonight’s dinner and put it in the crock pot to cook. I did three loads of laundry and all the dishes. I feel like a rock star!”
3pm Day 9: “This is awesome! I feel amazing! I had a handful of almonds and a cup of coffee today and I am not even hungry at all. I am going to do this diet FOREVER! TIGER BLOOD! Grrrr!”
10pm Day 9: “I am still going strong! I did one hour of cardio, all the grocery shopping, helped the kids with homework, prepped meals for the entire week, vacuumed the house, took the dogs for a walk, and made cupcakes for my work for tomorrow. I didn’t even try a cupcake! I don’t need it! I don’t want it! Now I am going to sit down with my glass of water with lemon in it and a cup of chia pudding, and relax for a few minutes.”

7am Day 10: “KILL ALL HUMANS!”
3pm Day 10: “I am so tired. I can barely move. I want to eat all the things!”
10pm Day 10: “This diet sucks so hard!”

7am Day 11: “I have been doing this diet for a week and a half. I am in too deep to quit. I won’t quit. I won’t quit.”
3pm Day 11: “I should quit. This is hard. All I want is a cupcake! I should totally quit”
10pm Day 11: “I didn’t quit but I want to. I just want to be done. So what if I am fat and grouchy for the rest of my life?? Who cares??”

To be continued....

Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Dairy of a Diet: Part 2

7am Day 5: "Ok. I am doing ok. I am a little tired of eggs for breakfast but I am ok."
3pm Day 5: "This is easy. I am getting the hang of this. Tonight I will be making vegetable pizza with a cauliflower and almond meal crust and faux cheese using yeast and coconut milk. It's going to be awesome!"
10pm Day 5: "I am so tired!! It took five hours to make dinner. I had to make everything from scratch and it was so hard! And I am starving! The 'pizza' had zero carbs and zero flavor!"

7am Day 6: "Eggs again... yay..."
3pm Day 6: "Oohh! I found a recipe for chocolate pudding using organic cacao and avocados. It looks delish! And it has no added sugar, only pureed dates."
10pm Day 6: "Get your mother &®£|<€ avocados out of my mother [>®{|> pudding!!"

7am Day 7: "Oh god! I hate eggs! Or as I call them 'self-contained snot wads'."
3 pm Day 7: "I am going out to dinner with friends tonight. I have googled the restaurant menu and picked out a healthy meal. I will have to bring my own dressing and make sure they don't use butter in the broiled haddock and ask for steamed veggies on the side instead of the pasta, but that should be no problem."
10 pm Day 7: "Screw it. I ordered the meatball sub with mozzarella sticks for an appetizer and had a brownie sundae for dessert. I mean, how often do I really go out to dinner anyway? This was a special treat."

7am Day 8: "Ow! My stomach hurts so much! I can't believe I ate that much garbage last night! I will not be doing that ever again!"
3 pm Day 8: "I am going out to dinner again. I am prepared and ready this time. I will eat healthy!"
10 pm Day 8: "I totally had the sub again..."

To be continued.

Friday, January 1, 2016

The Diary of a Diet

10pm the night before starting a diet: "I am sick and tired of being fat and lazy! This is it! I am going to start tomorrow. No more eating junk! Only fruit, vegetables, and meat from now on! Maybe I'll even run a marathon. If I start training tomorrow, I will be ready. This is it! I will DO this!"

7am Day 1: "Ugh. Do I really have to do this? There's no healthy food in this house. Ok. Only walnuts and coffee for food today."
3pm Day 1: "Time to shop. God, I'm starving! I will only buy healthy food. I WILL only buy healthy food. Oh, look! Cookies!" Nom...nom...nom...
10pm Day 1: "Well, that was a little rough. I have the groceries now so tomorrow will be better. I won't start training for the marathon until I get my eating on track."

7am Day 2: "This isn't too hard. I can do this."
3 pm Day 2: "Still going strong. Oh, look! Cookies!" Nom...nom...nom...
10pm Day 2: "The cookies are gone so now there's no more excuses."

7am Day3: "Ugh! Why am I doing this??! I am not really that fat, right? I would rather die fat and happy than skinny and starving!"
3pm Day 3: "I am sooo hungry but I just ate three pounds of carrot sticks and five apples! This hunger isn't real, this hunger isn't REAL! It's my sugar dragon. I will slay the dragon! Oh, look! Cookies!" Nom...nom...nom...
10pm Day 3: "I would sell my baby for a bag of Oreos! Instead I am shoving raisins and almonds in my mouth like a chipmunk prepping for winter."

7am Day 4: "I am over the hump. It should be smooth sailing from now on."
3pm Day 4: "Why does this parking lot smell like frosting?! I am hallucinating! Oh, look! Cookies!" Nom..nom...nom...
10pm Day 4: "I still smell frosting... I still smell frosting..."

To be continued.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

It's that time of year again!!!

Oh boy, you're going to want to quit reading this right now. The reason for that would be because it is almost January and that means.....   Time for the January Whole30!! So I will be boring the life out of this blog for the next while with cranky posts about not being able to eat sugar or dairy or alcohol.

I am hoping it won't be so bad because I have retained a few habits from last year's Whole30. I still drink black coffee, I still don't hardly eat legumes, I still attempt to avoid cheese and other dairy, and I still attempt to avoid needless grains. I have recently fallen completely off the wagon because Thanksgiving and Christmas. I didn't even bother pretending to limit anything I shoved in my mouth since Turkey Day. Of course I have paid for that immensely by feeling like crap, being super tired, not being able to poop, feeling totally achy, and getting raging neck pimples.

Who am I fooling? It will totally be so bad!! The hardest part is that I am an expert at rationalizing terrible food choices. I can convince myself to eat some pretty awful stuff. I once ate a serving of moldy pancakes because I rationalized that I didn't want to make my date feel bad by refusing to eat them. Moldy. Pancakes...! The worst part is this wasn't an isolated episode. I have also eaten moldy bread pudding. Again, I didn't want to make a fuss, so I ate it. Ack!!

This year's Whole30 will concentrate on not rationalizing poor food choices. I want to focus on good food that is good for me.

New this year -- I might train for a half marathon. There's one coming up in May and it's not one of those obnoxious Color Runs or Spartan Races or Mudders. It's just a plain half marathon. It isn't even combined with a full marathon. It's just straight up 13 miles of running. Granted I haven't even walked 13 miles since 2003, but whatevs. I got time to start working on it. I do need something to do that is active. I can't really keep blaming my slothfulness on my kid since she is five and fully capable of either running with mommy or staying home with daddy without as much fuss as a younger kid would cause.

So I guess these are New Year's resolutions? We'll see. We shall see...

Thursday, December 17, 2015

30 Ways Being A Working Mom Is Awesome

1. You see your kid less than daycare sees them.
2. After working all day, you get to come home and cook and clean and do homework and take out the garbage and clean and do laundry and do the dishes and give bathes and clean.
3. You get to spend all day with people based on circumstances, not choice.
4. You can't quit because money or health insurance or retirement funds or money.
5. Your kid asks every morning if you have to go to work again.
6. You probably don't use your vacation days for vacation because puking kids aren't allowed in school and mom is the one who has to stay home to take care of them.
7. If you do use vacation days for a real vacation, it's not very relaxing because you have to pack your clothes and the kid's clothes and all the toiletries and make the plane reservations and make sure the hotel has strollers you can borrow and don't forget the sunscreen or the goggles or the sand toys or the snacks.
8. Your sick days are actually used when you are sick because your kid brought home the creeping crud from school.
9. Being home from work sick doesn't mean rest and recuperation, it means just a normal day with more puking and tissues.
10. Errands after work don't run themselves and usually include a cranky kid fresh from daycare.
11. Holidays are not relaxing because they are predetermined a year in advance as to which relatives you are dragging your kid to.
12. That is, if you don't have to work during the holidays.
13. You work more than non-parents because you know from first hand experience that projects won't do themselves.
14. You get the joyous designation of "office mommy" which just means you know how to clean up after people.
15. Just like your kid who knows you will get them the red cup after you already filled the blue one, your boss knows you won't say no to most requests.
16. Most office disputes are taken care of by you because if you can handled a cranky toddler, you can handle Ted from IT.
17. You never get a full lunch break to actually enjoy lunch because the Post Office and the bank and the eye doctor and the veterinarian all close at exactly 5pm so get your butt over there between 12pm and 1pm or else.
18. Lunch consists of leftovers or whatever your kid wouldn't eat the night before.
19. When packing lunch, you have to leap up from the dinner table and immediately put a portion of dinner in a lunch container and hide it behind the cabbage or else someone in your family will eat it before you get a chance.
20. Dinner consists of McDonald's drive thru more than you care to admit.
21. You occasionally leave work early and take a nap in your car because it's not time to pick the kids up yet but you just can't sit at work any longer.
22. All the men you work with make more money than you.
23. All the men you work with get promoted faster than you.
24. Maternity leave has a stigma attached.
25. Your husband makes more money than you and doesn't have to cook and clean when he gets home. Every. Damn. Day.
26. Your kids only vet to see tired, stressed mom and not the mom you want to be.
27. Your husband only gets to see tired, stressed mom and not the wife you wanted to be.
28. If you have almost no time for your family, you have absolutely no time for friends.
29. Weekends are not relaxing because your too busy doing all the crap you neglected during the week.
30. Nothing. Nothing is awesome about being a working mom.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Rose's Rules For Facebook Buy/Sell/Trade Animal Groups

Facebook buy/sell/trade groups can be a great way to locate sellers and buyers for stuff. Here's some rules to make the most of your free membership:

1. Always post "wanted" ads for the exact same thing in the previous "for sale" ad. It helps if you are in the same area as the previous seller. Advanced tip: Be sure to say in your "wanted" ad that you want the item for free.

Ad example: "For sale - Ten Muscovy ducks. $5 each. Located in Naven."
Your ad: "Wanted - Muscovy ducks in Naven. Must be cheap or free."

2. Reply to all ads with philosophical questions.

Ad example: "Wanted - Someone to butcher a cow"
Your reply: "Why would you want to butcher such a nice cow?"

3. Reply to all ads with criticism.

Ad example: "Horse for sale"
Your reply: "That horse is too skinny."

4. Post ads with way too much personal information.

Ad example: "Selling our pig because my husband lost his job and the landlord doesn't want us to have pigs anymore and the kids are too attached to the pig to eat it."

5. Post "for sale" ads with outrageous prices.

Ad example: "For sale - 25 year old horse, not trained, can't be ridden, needs special diet and extra hoof care monthly. $2500 firm!"

6. Be passive-aggressive.

Ad example: "For sale - 3 roosters, $10 each - Must go as pets only, don't contact me unless serious, fenced in yard only, must pick up. No delivery. Going to the first person who comes to get them. I will not hold them. Cash only."

7. Post guilt trip ads.

Ad example: "Nice dog needs a new home. Previous owner died and this nice little dog is all alone. She just wants a forever home!"

8. Post ads for stuff not related to the group.

Group: "Farm Animals in NNY"
Ad example: "1984 Chevy Impala for sale"

9. Use the group to solicit advice.

Post example: "My goat has a cough. What's wrong with it?"

10. Post links to political stuff vaguely related to animals.

With these tips, you should be the most valuable person in the group, or get you banned... whatevs.